Immortal Quotations from MST3K

Season Nine

901: The Projected Man

Tom
Kot-kit, kot-kit, kot-kit, kot-kit …
Crow
Y'know, despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.
Tom
Oh, hi! Can you give me a lift?
Crow
This is my tuxedo shirt. Press this.
Tom
I want some amontillado.
Mike
I'm just as dumb as you.
Crow
I declare this movie suddenly great!
Tom
I think I'll have a screwdriver without that nasty, bitter orange juice.
Mike
Well, don't kill things.
Mike
Dispense soft-serve.
Mike
Don't make me go to the larder and unseal a tin of whoopass.
Mike
You said I'd be gassed.

902: The Phantom Planet

TV-PG (D).

Crow
Oh, so radioactive immediately equals bad to you?
Mike
Pat Buchanan's first day as President.
Mike
Someone on the Mir flushed.
Mike
Good thing there's so much gravity in space.
Tom
Oh, there's the problem: the dryer's leaking.
Crow
Turns out it's not funny at all when you fart in a spacesuit.
Crow
Ow, my cornea! Cut it out!
Tom
He is an alien. He only has one.
Crow
I'm a loser, baby.
Crow
Today the moon narrowly missed hitting a man's eye like a big pizza pie …
Tom
… scientists believe, that's amore.
Mike
So, which part of the universe you wanna search first?
Tom
Hey, wanna hear something funny? Hehe, I found a little dark-haired woman on the bottom of my shoe.
Crow
Pi.
Mike
I'll have to kill them all.

903: Puma Man

Tom
Hey, telekinetic book dumping.
Tom
Die, ant, die!
Tom
I'm still not sensing danger.
Tom
Hey, look, he's refenestrating. See?
Tom
Where's the candy?
Crow [singing]
When … you want … the flavor of bacon in a dip.
Crow
Um, there's no afterlife, sorry.
Crow
We gotta hire a brunette.
Crow
Yeah, this is what it's like when I put my contacts in inside-out.
Crow
Oh, I'm fine. I used up a perfectly good pants-wetting for this.
Crow
Hey, a see-through hat!
Crow
Now that's gotta be a proposition!
Crow
Caress.
Crow
Look out for the-- oh, boy, right into the propeller.
Crow
Uh, the name's Tony, actually.
Crow
More ketchup please.
Crow
Orville or Wilbur?
Mike
Can you hear me in the back?
Mike
If you need your toast buttered, ma'am, I'm your man.
Mike
Intel inside.
Mike
We're downsizing, Steve.
Mike
The Dutch are mean.
Mike
Someone will show you were to park the cars.
Mike
Parachute-slash-bowtie.
Mike
Let me show you the way out. Please don't come back.
Mike
Thank goodness they made their house out of peanut brittle.
Mike
Man, there's a lot of reindeer crap up here.

904: Werewolf

Tom
I don't know, you had him last!
Crow
It's Ron!
Crow
I hope he remembers to crack a window for himself.
Crow
He's trapped between first and second, caught in a rundown.
Crow
Now that I'm driving, those caribou don't stand a chance.
Crow
We've come to the conclusion, "Dem Bones, Dem Dry Bones," sir.
Mike
He was lucky to find a parking space.
Mike
Man, infants are such babies.
Mike
I've been issued as your best friend.
Mike
Man, I've got so many threatening letters to write tonight.
Mike
Um, the dead sheep was here when I moved in.
Tom
Mmmm … sugar mines.
Tom
Quick, apply intravenous Nair.
Tom
Nice to soon be sleeping with you.
Tom
You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all.

905: The Deadly Bees

Tom
Sorry, my tympanic membranes have burst.

906: The Space Children

Mike
Tornado Magnet Trailer Park welcomes you.
Mike
Let me get over by a sharper rock.
Mike
Uh, kids, it's laying eggs in my chest. Is that normal?
Mike
No, he went down to Georgia looking for a soul to steal.
Crow
Okay, folks, I'm writing code for a Java applet.
Crow
Hang on, Niels Bohr is using the toaster.
Crow
Pork chop … going through … aorta.
Crow
Boy, the sun's strong tonight.
Crow
Quick, everybody get jobs in the private sector!
Tom
Oh, we just proved God while you were gone.

907: Hobgoblins

Crow
Ah, these honor system banks are never gonna make it.
Crow
Paint my muscle car prune-color, please.
Crow
Sentence fragments … just phrases …

908: The Touch of Satan

?
You mind if I skip rocks across it?
Crow
I usually like the left side of the bed if that's okay.
Tom
Is Captain Hook there?
Tom
If you say, "My squad car," I'll chainsaw you in half.
Tom
The sun just go nova out there?

909: Gorgo

Tom
This new "Cool Ranch"-flavored scuba air isn't very good.
Tom
The H.M.S. Over Easy.
Mike
We'll have to drink concentrate then.
Tom
Watch for sharks. I accidentally bathed in fish blood this morning.
Crow
Got a few people caught in my teeth.
Crow
Ah, they got the Pudding Master 5000.

910: The Final Sacrifice

Tom
Whoo, shouldn't have filed that sandwich.
Crow
Man, I'm twenty-five. I hope I hit puberty soon.
Mike
Someone's hitting a frying pan which means it's eight o'clock …
Tom
… 'course the clock's set to Miami time.
Tom
Teehee. Teehee.
Crow
Can I interest you in a replacement door?
Crow
Oh, I love trash-- Ow!
Tom
Hey, look, Milk Duds! They never go bad.
Tom
Quick, climb a tree. Trucks can't climb trees.
Mike
Wait, it's me …
Tom
… I know.
Tom
Know him? He was delicious!
Crow
If it's any consolation I hates that rabbit too.

911: Devil Fish

TV-14 (DV).

Tom
His hair's getting all tangled in the reel-to-reel.
Crow
Whoops!
Tom
You'd be scared too if I was your doctor.
Crow
The sixteenth is a water hole, surrounded by water on all sides.
Tom
Ah, that Allen Funt turns up everywhere.
Tom
Let's see. Here's the church, here's the steeple … oh damn, I've got to practice.
Mike
Oh, that was great. Was it good for me too?
Crow
They'll be number two soon enough.

912: The Screaming Skull

Mike
Mrs. Gumby is stacked.
Mike
Thank goodness for the internal genitalia.
Mike
Windows 58.
Mike
Can I interest you in some defenestration?
Crow
And you forgot your baby.
Crow
Was it a gunshot or more of a stabbing sound?
Crow
Oh, great. Ebola.
Tom
Oop, I had a victim in the oven.

913: Quest of the Delta Knights

TV-PG (V).

Brain Guy
As a wise old Observer once said, "To constantly repeat the same action and expect a variant reaction is surely a sign of madness." …
Pearl
[Punches Brain Guy in the face.]
Brain Guy
Ow.…
Pearl
Why do you keep mouthing off to me? You get the same reaction every time.…
Brain Guy
Point taken.
Tom
Packers!
Pearl
Comes with a free pool cue!
Pearl
His underwear and his hat are interchangable.
Pearl
Let me try: Get bent. No, I guess I can't.
All
Norm!
Crow
He's staying at a Bed and Renfest.

Last updated $Date: 2006/02/28 08:58:43 $.